


Old Feelings

by PyroRawr



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 01:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10452159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PyroRawr/pseuds/PyroRawr
Summary: Planning to add a bit more to this, but a short fic that takes place shortly before they arrive at the Cerberus Headquarters in ME3. Kaidan's worries in regards to Shepard's previous affiliation with Cerberus resurface and confronts Shepard about it.





	

_“I think it is best if you sit this one out Shepard..”_ Kaidan had said. His voice had rang low, as if he had partially hoped they would get lost in the constant humming of the Normandy’s engine. _“What if this is what Cerberus really wanted and they have something in you wired to go rogue or something?”_

They were standing in the middle of Observatory room. Kaidan’s gaze avoided Shepard’s as the infinite amount of stars, ranging in their size and distance, dimly lit their faces through the window.

~~

Minutes before, Kaidan had called Shepard to speak to her about infiltrating Cerberus Headquarters. He believed that he had what he wanted to say all prepared, but the moment she walked in, his body shook with underlying nervousness. He took a deep breath before shuffling his hands deep into his pockets as he braced himself for what was to come.

Shepard had noticed something was up. She saw that he had ran his fingers through his hair at least a few dozen times, leaving it a disheveled, slight mess of his curls. It led her to think _something_ had him in turmoil.  He had stumbled his words, but managed to voice what seemed like his ongoing concern of Shepard’s affiliation with Cerebus.

It shocked Shepard that this topic was coming up again. They had _talked_ about Cerebus. He had accepted her for who she was, regardless of her past. He believed in her. Or so she thought.  

“Kaidan, what happened with Cerebus is in the past. Yes, they rebuilt me. But never in the time I ‘ _worked_ ’” She air quoted the word, hoping he’d understand. “With them, did they ever have control of me.. I am myself. I will be fine. You know this.. You _know_ me..” She pleaded.

His eyes flickered across the room. Confusion swirled in circles around in him, but regardless stuck to his probing. “But what if that’s what _they_ want you to think??” He shook his head. “We simply can’t risk it..”

Unable to meet the gaze of the man whose words just pierced her heart, Shepard turned away.  Tears began to swarm and burn at the corners of her eyes. She was never one to let her emotions show, in fact she was known for her resilience in dealing with tough calls and difficult decisions. But this was _Kaidan._ . The one person who has seen the ins and out of her. The deepest part of her being. And quite simply, the _last_ person she would expect to hurt her.

She wasn’t sure of what to think anymore. He may well be the Major, and the second human Specter, but she was the Commander of the Normandy, and he still had to listen to her orders regardless. However, it deeply pained her that the man that she loved, the man that claimed loved her as well, was doing this to her.. Was saying these words. Talking as if she was about to turn into a monster.

She could feel the hurt begin to travel through her. Pain circling through her chest as she fought to contain her tears. She took a deep breath, before turning to face him once more.

“What else do you want me to say Kaidan..?” She felt her voice rise, taking her by surprise. “To make you believe that I am who I am?” A huff escaped her lips, her demeanor suddenly turned cold. “I mean I thought you believed me.. Shit I thought you _loved_ me. ” Shepard then turned towards the door, her eyes fixated on the ground.

She stopped as soon as the sliding doors opened at her approach. Her eyes slowly losing the battle of keeping the tears she’s desperately tried to keep away.

“ _My mistake. Guess I was wrong..”_ She let her words hang in the vast room as she made her way towards the Normandy.

~~

Shepard felt her heart drop into the empty abyss of her stomach as the door closed swiftly behind her. As soon as she was out of his sight, she felt her shoulders drop, and the burning of the incoming tears as they threaten to come loose. She was unsure of where to go from there, her body was gently shaking and stood frozen to the ground. But part of her wanted to just inch her way towards her cabin, where she could lose herself in the clawing emotions she thought she had shut tight.

But part of Shepard also craved for a shoulder to lean on. She sighed as she slowly urged her body towards the elevator. She knew her relationship with Kaidan had hit numerous obstacles before, some seemingly permanent than others, but after surpassing them, she had failed to think that something else could rock their core again. That could hint at the very possibility of an end to them. Her mind wandered to all those months she spent without him at her side. How each and everyday she ached for him, for his mesmerizing touch that left her with a sense of calamity, of feeling safe in his embrace. How each day without him felt like beyond hell, but that she had no other choice, if it meant assuring his safety. But this, Kaidan blantaly disbelieving her very existence, after all they had shared together, hurt her worse, and immensely deeper than all those times without him had.

The elevator opened at Shepard’s initial call, and as she dragged herself in. Without looking, she pressed her finger against one of the elevator's button and felt the kick as it begun to descend. It was only when the elevator came to a stop that she looked up and noticed she had picked to go to the Shuttle Bay. She silently hoped that James had left to do his routine workouts and that Steve was there, immersing himself in the Kodiak as her close friend often did. They had gotten closer shortly after Shepard had opened about her past, and her obstacles with Kaidan and the rest of the galaxy and when Steve revealed to her about how he lost his husband. They became someone they could each lean on for support, on good and on bad days. Whether on the battlefield, or in the mess hall joined with a couple of beers. He always knew what to say when she needed someone, and he wanted to be there for her, just as she had been for him.

“Ah, almost done fixing these kinetic barriers.” Said the familiar voice as Shepard stepped out. She couldn’t help herself but smile through her troubling emotions at his never ending enthusiasm when it came to the Kodiak. It wasn’t just something he loved to do, but it helped him stay focused, and kept him from replaying what had happened to his husband.

“Hey Steve.”  
“Shepard!” Steve wiped his hands on a small, scrunched up towel, threw it across his shoulder and turned to face her. “What brings you to my humble abode?” His joking expression instantly turned into concern as her examined her face. “Everything okay…?”

Shepard sighed as she leaned against the small console they used for ordering supply lines. “Frankly, I don’t know anymore…” She turned away from him as she attempted to fight off her tears that burned to be freed. “Kaidan… Doesn’t trust me anymore.”

“What do you mean? I thought things were going good with you two.”

Shepard rubbed her eye and crossed her arms. “I know, me too… But you know that Cerberus mission we’re on our way to?”

Steve nodded.

“Kaidan doesn’t think I should go. He thinks that I’ll… That I’ll go rogue…” Without realizing it, Shepard had begun to pace. “I’m fine. I tried to reassure him that I am myself and that nothing will happen.”

Steve shook his head in disbelief. “And he still didn’t believe you?”

She sighed. “No… He was still fixated on the fact that I could all of the sudden turn into a monster… Into one of _them_ …” Shepard wanted to fight what her mind echoed throughout. But maybe it was right. “Maybe..” Her gaze landed on the ground as she voiced her thoughts.

“Maybe Kaidan never really got over what happened after Horizon..” Her eyes slowly rose back up to meet Steve’s. They were now a light shade of pink from the constant fighting back of her tears.  “And it can quite be that he may never will… Maybe this is the end of us... As much as it pains me.. _Especially_ after everything we’ve been through.. But maybe it’s for the best...”

~~~

Kaidan gently punched the window that overlooked the seemingly quiet galaxy. The conversation didn’t go the way he had hoped. He knew that it wouldn't been an easy conversation, but he didn’t expect Shepard to storm off. Or say what she said.

“ _My mistake. Guess I was wrong..”_

Her voice kept playing over and over in his head as he tried to piece together what had happened.

 _“Couldn’t she see I was trying to protect her..?”_ His mind tried and tried to convince himself that he had done the right thing. However, each minute that passed without Shepard’s presence next to his own made him wonder that maybe he had done more harm than the good he intended. He had to admit. Her previous affiliation with Cerberus still made him feel nervous, but his mistake was that he let that fear take over him. He didn’t mean to make it seem that he didn’t trust her, it was them he didn’t trust. He just wanted to make sure they couldn’t take her away from him again.

He let out a tired sigh. “I guess I should’ve thought about a better way to bring this up...” He turned once more towards the galaxy, his gaze reflecting the billion of stars that stared straight back at him. It all looked peaceful. And the humming of the Normandy gave the view a serene feel to it. One wouldn’t think that there was a war in the midst of a view like this. Shaking his head, he turned toward the door. Kaidan knew he was pushing back the inevitable, but he was hoping that somewhere in the stars, laid an answer, the right words to apologize and convince Shepard that he still loved her, and that regardless of what happened, that he wanted to be by her side. That’s when he realized there’s nothing else and better to do, than just admit he was wrong, and pray that she believes him. He took a final, deep breath before rushing out in search for the woman his heart desperately ached for. 

~~~

“Hey.. .Don’t think that..” Steve reached out and gently squeezed her shoulder. “You said it yourself, you and Kaidan have gone through more obstacles than anyone could imagine. You guys always find a way. Call it fate, call it destiny, call it love. But that’s what makes you two the strongest couple I know.” He sighed. “I know it hurts right now.. And from what I know of Kaidan, he’d do absolutely everything possible to protect you. Maybe this is simply what this is. Maybe Kaidan was just afraid of something happening to you in the Cerberus mission, and he just didn’t know how to bring it up properly.”

Shepard sighed. “You...Think so...?” She couldn’t imagine what her life would be without Kaidan. Despite how pained she felt after their talk, she knew her heart laid with him. But she also knew there was only so much she could do, so much she could say to make him believe that she was none other than herself.

Steve offered Shepard his sincerest smile. “I’m sure that’s what it is.” And engulfed her in a warm embrace. “And if for the crazy chance that it isn’t, then he definitely doesn’t know that he’s missing.”

Shepard returned a small smile as her gaze shifted from his to the grey tiled floors below her. It was normal for her mind to be juggling a million things at once, but having Kaidan’s concerns added in made her head spin with conflicting emotions.

“Plus.” She barely heard Cortez as he broke up her thoughts. “There is always other people out there.” He added half-heartedly. It made Shepard wonder if he partially was telling that to himself just as much as he was telling her.

Shepard slowly nodded. “That’s true.” She wondered if she’d ever be able to find anyone who filled her soul with so much love and happiness as Kaidan does. She felt her heart began to crack in pieces at the mere thought. She gently shook her head in an attempt to steer the thought away and looked back at Steve.

“Well, I suppose I’ll know soon enough…” She sighed. “It’s only a matter of time before we bump into each other.”

“And just know, that when that happens, my door will always be open, should you need someone to lean on, eat ice cream with, or maybe, just maybe even drive the shuttle.”

Shepard managed to chuckle. “I’ll get you to let me drive it one of these days, Cortez.”

~~~

Kaidan made his way towards the elevator, and stuffed his hands deep inside his pockets as he tried to come up with what he’d say to her. He felt stupid for letting past conflictions get the better of him. For letting them get between what he and Shepard shared. He stepped inside as the doors opened before him, but realized he had no idea where in the ship she was. She could be in her cabin just as much as she could be anywhere else in the ship. He sighed as he pressed the button for her cabin. He felt his stomach churn as he anticipated what was to come. Would she forgive him? Had he crossed a line and that she now wanted nothing to do with him? He bit his lip. Shepard was everything to him. Especially after he lost her the first time around. It made him value her over anything else. It made him treasure each and every moment he had with her. From the nights he spent at her side, stroking her hair as she slept soundly in his arms, to the rushed kisses between missions,to the long, ever lasting ones. His thought broke apart at the beep of the elevator, alerting him that he was at his destination. He quietly stepped out, wondered if she was inside. “Shepard…?”

He heard something stir on the other side of the door and took a deep breath.

~~~

Shepard thanked Steve for letting her rant about Kaidan and felt somewhat better. She made her way back to the elevator and went up towards her cabin. She was glad she gotten her reports done early, for it now meant she could have a little down time. With nothing but her, her bed, and the lulling sounds of the Normandy. Maybe she could sleep her feelings away. However, she knew the moment she laid down, Kaidan’s faint familiar scent would appear on her pillow. She’d see his t-shirt she’s borrowed so many times, sprawled across her couch. Or stumble across his portrait that sat steadily on her desk, next to her laptop. She sighed as she urged herself inside, knowing that anywhere she went on the Normandy, she’d still feel Kaidan’s presence. She changed into her old N7 sweats and a tank top and was about to crawl into bed when she heard a familiar voice call her name.

Her body froze for a moment, unsure of what to think, or do. She knew they’d bump into each other at some point, but she didn’t think he’d come to her, especially this soon. She nervously tucked a hair strand behind her ear and inched towards her door.

“Coming.” She said softly.

Shepard opened the door to indeed see Kaidan standing on the other side. He looked nervous. His hair looked like he had ran over it with his fingers at least a dozen times and his hands kept shuffling in his pockets.

“Hey Shepard, can I come in?”

His voice was low, almost pleading. It made Shepard want to rush to his side and ask him what’s wrong, but their early conversation still danced around in her mind.

“Yeah of course, come on in.” She whispered.

“Thanks.”

Shepard nodded and followed Kaidan back into her room. He took a seat on her couch and motioned for her to sit next to him. Shepard hesitated for a second, she wanted to stay mad at him, to not let him get away with what he did. But she also craved to be next to him. She sighed, put her emotions aside and took her spot next to him.

“Shepard… Listen…” He slowly reached out for her hand and gently wrapped his fingers around hers. He could feel her familiar warmthness as it traveled through him.  “I know I said things I shouldn’t have… I… I let my feelings and fears about Cerberus get to me and all it led to was me hurting the most important person in my life.” His lowered his gaze away from hers. “I thought I was protecting you, when in reality I was just alienating myself from you and I should’ve realized that.” He squeezed her hand and looked back up. “Shepard, you are enough. You’ve always been enough. I should’ve never doubted you and damn straight I will never do again. I love you Shepard…” Kaidan gave her a weak smile. “I love all of you sweetheart. I love who you are today, and who you were yesterday. Regardless of who you worked for.”


End file.
